leaving my daughter to go to work is going to be tough. i find myself, in the middle of adjusting someone’s mask and sitting down for script reading that i think of her. what she looks like, how she’s doing, her smiling face and i just get happy and sad at the same time.

“i just threw away my birth control pills”

friend

“why the hell did you do that, aren’t you worried you might get pregnant?”

woman

“how can i get pregnant if i only have sex once every six months? ” (drumroll)

____

friend walks in and sits down next to woman.  sighs and shakes her head.

woman to friend

“you okay?”

friend

“yeah, well, not really”

woman

“what’s the matter?”

friend

“i don’t know, it’s like my boyfriend doesn’t go down there as much as i want him to.”

woman

“well, how often does he?”

friend

“once a week, but we he used to all the time!”

woman

“oh my lord, count yourself lucky, the last time my husband went down on me, clinton was still president” (drumroll)

_____

of mortality and death

growing up in a polluted city

of red and black sunsets

nourished by corner store

sodas and red 50 chips

a cancer grows

if i cut it

will i go with it

or has it become too much a part of me

is it too late

to disassociate

live the higher road

of forgiveness and transcendence

to be fully confident in the love

earned and freely given

what is the most important thing

is to live to the fullest

of everyday of every moment

cast aside the critics

the most dangerous cancer within.

I can start to write about the sleepless nights, the backaches, the stretch marks, the numb nipples (ops, I did already), and the crazed, weathered look on my face as I waited in the doctor’s office wondering what multitude of ailments my daughter has acquired.  But I wont.  But I will write about the hiccups in time.

her first look when she came out:  the yoda, zen, unflinching stare she gave her father as she laid on my chest, warm and much heavier that I expected.

her lips touching my nipples for the first time

her father nervously and delicately holding her, her face buried in the crook of his neck

her first yawn, smile, laugh, cry, surprise, hurt, frightened, and “im up to no good” look

the first time she ate a solid food, then grasping at food, then self feeding, and now grasping the food you are about to put in your mouth but can’t because she has intercepted it and is now in her mouth but looks at you as if it’s supposed to be there in the first place

the first time she called out to me because she needed me

the first time she said dad and laid her head against his chest

her first peek a boo

her first word “hi” and then her second word “hotdog”

the way she hums to herself when she hears signing and the way she bobs up and down when she hears music

the first time i made her laugh out loud

every single time i chase her around the house and she screams or fights back, i remember these the most

the first bath where she truly enjoyed the feel of water

the way she would look up at me and smile in amusement because she has discovered something new

the first burp, fart and now the constant snoring

the first fever

oh and the dislocated shoulder i gave her for rolling around the bed much too roughly

there are a couple thousand more of these hiccups in time….and i will keep writing them whenever i remember them.  i know i am going to grow old and die and will take nothing with me.  but i hope that in the end i can keep these memories, bring them to whatever side i happen to be.

tonight was a simple stir fry with peanut sauce….get any of your favorite combo of veggies:

broccoli, kale, zucchini, carrots, cabbage, sweet potato (basically, whatever was in the fridge)

grab a nonstick skillet, put peanut oil in high heat, throw in some onions, then the thick vegetables for a couple of minutes, followed by the thinner veggies.

prep the peanut sauce (1/3 cup peanut butter, 1 1/2 tsp sugar/soy sauce/cider vinegar, 1 clove of finely chopped garlic and cilantro)

grab a hot bowl of rice, throw in the cooked veggies, throw in the peanut sauce on top (add chili sauce if you like some spice)

quick healthy dinner.

so someone should have told me that my breasts, aside for being a food source, has also become my daughter’s little fun hang out.  she loves to simultaneously caress and hit my breast while breastfeeding.  she would nibble and smile up at me when her tiny sharp teeth would produce a loud cry from me.  and after eleven months of breastfeeding 24/7, 7 days a week…..i now have….numb nips.  i would walk around the house with my nipple hanging out, oblivious to what a spectacle i’ve become.  leave it to my husband to first point and laugh before letting me know that my numb nips are showing.

they should market those actually, numb nips.  bite size pieces of pure motherly love. if they were candy, it would be chocolate covered caramel with a soft milky center. get your numb nips at walgreens today.

alright, gotta do taxes.

-additional words she’s learned

she knows tagalog! well these two at least,

ops and hala hala (which means oh, oh…but in different connotations. ops, is more of a, watch this oh oh. hala hala is more of a, watch out oh oh…..get it?)

-she’s stood up, without her hands holding on to things

-she’s self feeding like a champ

-she’s learning how to wink

-she’s learning how to blow, (we’ve been practicing so she’s ready for her 1st birthday candle)

-she has danced at a baby disco (ruby skye in downtown san francisco!)

-she hum/sings

-she’s gone to the snow and slid down a hill on a plastic disc

-she’s thrown tantrums

-she bites

-she likes to point her index finger followed by gibberish speech

-she’s eaten grass and twigs

more of her inner personality is coming out….she’s a huge extrovert, likes to smile and wave at random people in the street. easy going, draws people in, not afraid to laugh and smile. doesn’t take long to warm up. she’s the biggest ham, once she has a captive audience, she would start to do her little tricks, bending her head left and right, squinting her eyes into a smile, and peek a boos. it’s magical and awe inspiring to behold. but of course i worry about her being too easy going and having easy familiarity with strangers. for now, she’s young and protected….but there comes a time when she needs to be particular and practical when it comes to people.

aight then….

being a couple, time to cuddle, talk about life…and of course lots and lots of sex.  the once a week, wack off wednesdays have sufficed. but c’mon, i’m in my sexual prime, i got needs, i’ve lost some of the momma flab and after nine months i feel quite sexy again.  meow!

i got to tell you.  sex after a baby. it has changed. not measurable as a good or bad thing. more like a change from a ham sandwich to a turkey sandwich. it feels different but still quite satisfying.  like a good sandwich.

speaking of sandwich. i’ve been cooking a lot. everynight and enough leftovers to carry into lunch the next day. and it’s good. braised beef with pearl onions, split pea soup, pork sinigang, leek and potato soup, eggplant and basil stir fry, fried chicken, fried okras, steamed fish and brown rice. i like the look of a full fridge. the abundance triggers this sense of happiness and peace within me.  the most depressing sight for me is a fridge left empty except for a half empty upside down ketchup bottle and a single slice of cheese.